


Communing with bricks

by livinginadaydream (orphan_account)



Category: Jonas Brothers, Music RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash, Religious Nut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-25
Updated: 2010-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:53:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/livinginadaydream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he heard Diane sing, that was almost all he needed to know in order to pick her for his opening act. He didn't realize she was so big on God, on spirituality. He didn't know she was going to make it seem like she could see into his soul, his soul that feels these things God probably doesn't see fit for His children. But he's been holding himself back as much as possible. At the cost of others. It should count for something, but all he sees are consequences...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Communing with bricks

It's quiet, rhythmical, sounds like a chant, but as Nick gets closer he can hear that the soft breaths she twists into words is forming a prayer to God. His eyes widen a little as his lips curve upward, and he takes a few careful steps back. She opens her mouth, not her eyes (though he isn't certain they were closed; he can't see her face), and says, "Nick," sounding much stronger, back in their world than she did the second before. Nick stops and stands straight, tucking his hands in his pockets, as the middle point of his body swings forward a little as if to say, 'What? I wasn't sneaking...'   
  
Technically he wasn't. Probably he should have announced himself but Nick isn't in the mood to be loud. He's in the mood to eat, sure, and he's been wanting to take Diane out to thank her for coming along for the ride that is this incredible tour, show her a good time with Joe, with Kevin and Dani if they're not feeling too in love to be around other people. Yelling out that he's entering a room like he's some kind of king with need of a Herald isn't something he thinks would be appropriate though, and he really did plan on telling her he was there, but she was - communing with God. He knows better than to interrupt that.   
  
There's a smirk-ish smile on her face when she turns her head to peer at him from under her bangs, where one corner of her lips is higher than the other and her eyes are teasing. "Need me to tell Him something for you?" Nick puts his lips together and his eyebrows furrow for a second before they raise up again as he lifts one hand out of his jeans and waves it gently at her. She nods, smiles for real, and turns back around before saying a hushed, "Amen." He's still trying to tell himself he didn't do anything wrong by coming into her dressing room when the door was half-open anyway, when she uncrosses her legs, stands, and turns to face him with a questioning smile that's about three degrees different from her smirk.   
  
"Hey," he says a little sheepishly, because they skipped greeting each other before because he's awkward, and she's in tune with God in a way he wasn't aware of before. Nick collects pieces of people and takes them from puzzle form to art as soon as he can. Some people are really easy, and those are the ones he doesn't pay much mind. She's surprising him though, just like he thinks a person should. "So," he continues, when she nods at him, and he lets a friendly smile slip onto his face, "I was thinking since Joe and I are going to grab a late dinner right now, maybe with Kev and Dani too, do you... want to come?"   
  
"Is my band invited?" she asks immediately and surprises him again, but he nods right away. He'd wanted it to be a little more intimate than that, but he's hung with them before and they're cool guys. But they also seem to be really into their own deal, not really open to discussion about things they weren't talking about already, making it hard for Nick to just jump in and make friends with them like he can with a lot of people. They're grounded people who know that a person is just a person, and while they're so content with each other, they don't need Nick Jonas in their group. It's nothing personal. They're just happy and he gets that.   
  
It's just different for him and he figures that Diane having them come to dinner would make them think he's trying to out-rule them or something when he isn't. So he's hesitant when a grateful smile comes over her face, hesitant because he isn't sure how quickly he'll be able to control his facial expression when she says she's going to go get them. He breathes out in relief when instead she cocks her head to the side and says, "Know what? I actually think they ate earlier," with her eyes squinted like she's thinking about it and then brings her head up as her eyes go back to normal and her lips sit nearly expressionless on her face while she lets Nick de-tense his shoulders.   
  
"Oh, bummer, maybe next time," he suggests without meaning it and brushes a hand through the hair at the back of his head as he turns to the open door and grabs the handle like it needs to be held there.   
  
She walks passed him, out the door most of the way, and he starts following only to nearly run into her when she stops and faces him again. "What a gentleman," she says, and even though it's perfectly normal, everything about it, and it should be flirty if anything but a normal statement, he thinks he hears sarcasm behind it and he laughs in-genuinely while he takes a step back to give them more space. She nods again, taking notes, he wonders, and then they walk through the hall until they hit a corner and Joe jumps half on his back which makes Nick laugh even as he tries to swat Joe away. She laughs openly at them, at what a ridiculous pair they are and Nicks' cheeks heat up as Joe slides back to the floor, hand going much more slowly down his back, lingering at the belt unnecessarily.   
  
They follow her out to the SUV that takes them to a fairly nice restaurant that's quiet in the late evening but still very much open to the public. Kevin and Danielle don't come, Joe sits next to Nick and barely looks at her, and Nick notices her noticing. She has a boyfriend, but she's still beautiful and most guys, they would look. Hairs prick up on the back of his neck when he meets her eyes and he feels like icy breath has just been pulled across his skin. It makes his stomach churn and he smiles because he doesn't know what else _to_  do, ignores the heat of Joe right on his side even when they have individual chairs, not a booth where it's natural for someone to accidentally slide in too close.   
  
A clap of Joes' hands pulls Nicks' gaze from directly in front of them, and he sees Joe eying the menu while licking his lips, and he's the biggest, most over-the-top geek he knows he'll ever meet, and he loves it, feels that love crack the ice, and feels it drip, melting down his back into water that evaporates from how warm he feels. He still notices her noticing, but he decides to notice Joes' expressions of interest in the food, the tossed glances at himself, more than that.   
  
Nick doesn't dislike her in that moment, but fears her in a way that doesn't tell him to run, but tells him he has to stand his ground. Despite doing just that, it's hard to fall into something easy with her like it is with people like Demi, Selena, those guys. She's older and she knows things he doesn't, and as much as he likes challenges, it's all the more scary when she becomes this light-hearted girl sitting across from he and his brother, laughing, burping inappropriately and then laughing more. Joe loves her. Nick loves her, but he knows that isn't all there is to her, and he doesn't like that he even feels sort of tricked when she eases into that rhythm of normalcy.   
  
The rest of the night is fine. Nick forgets to feel like she's watching him and eats his food, laughs when Joe makes stupid jokes, and gives her an appreciative smirk when she makes fun of his older brother. Joe laughs at it too, and then he makes fun of Nick and when Nick tightens his lips, Joe and Diane laugh harder than they have all night, which makes Nick smile. His smile turns especially bright though, when Joes' arm slides around his waist in the backseat of the SUV after they've waved Diane off who chose to take a cab to her hotel instead of riding with them.   
  
"You seemed a bit off at the beginning of the night," Joe says low, his mouth just above Nick's ear, with his head turned into him, hand tightening at Nicks' hip. Joe doesn't mean anything by the grip he's got on him, he knows. Just, sometimes it feels really secure and Nick trusts Joe more than himself, even if he refuses to act like it; he feels protected and safe when Joe's right there with him and yeah, it makes him smile. So even though Nick doesn't want to talk about how stupid he was earlier, he's smiling when he pushes at Joe's side, and lets it fade a little when Joe thinks he's taking the hint and draws his arm back, lets his his hand sit in the seat between them.   
  
It does give Nick a little more breathing room, he'll give Joe that much, but he doesn't like it any better, and Joe's still looking at him with intent. Finally his smile slips a little as he looks up at Joe instead of at Joes' feet which are touching his, and sighs. "It was nothing," he says sincerely, and he can tell Joe thinks he should leave it at that because he believes Nick, but then he sees Joes' curiosity out-weigh it and he slides across the seat, away from Joe when his questioning gaze doesn't let up.   
  
"I don't know. She's just really mature."   
  
"You're really mature," Joe says, a proud little smile just behind his scoff. "You're going to tell me you felt inept around her or...? What? Do you like her or something?" Nicks' eyebrow raises at that and Joe intakes a breath and looks a little relieved, says as much. "Good because she totally has a boyfriend and you -" Joe pauses there and Nick knows. He hasn't  _really_  dated anyone since Selena. He  _knows_ . Joe doesn't want him to date because he's sick of how much Nick always brings himself down when he's with someone, and he's tired of Nick meeting these awesome girls who fall in love with him because he's _Nick_  and who  _wouldn't_  fall in love with him, and then their hearts get broken. Joe hates the whole process, and Nick thinks, sometimes, that it affected Joe more than him when he broke up with Miley.   
  
And Selena was really getting places with Joe when he had the time to talk to her. He  _really_  liked her. Then there was David. And Demi. And a few awkward moments when people talked to him on the phone asking what Nick was  _thinking_ , and he felt really bad taking Nicks' side when he sort of understood, in a slight way, what it must feel like to suddenly not be able to touch Nick, talk to him, any time they wanted. Joe knows he'd die, and has always felt that way, so even though he feels horrible for the girls, he tells everyone that Nick was just doing what he thought was right. It was true, but... Nick was probably wrong. He was definitely wrong. It cost Joe to say those words and stand by them, especially when he knew he could agree and mean it, and be done with the hard parts of friendship and devotion.   
  
Obviously Joe's issue with it is not the only reason Nick doesn't get serious with anyone. It's a huge factor, that and the fact he'd rather just date... Joe. Nick knows when he's been wrong in the past too, though, and he feels it would be a huge waste of energy to go through it again when he knows what the outcome will be. It's hard enough dating a girl once, knowing that despite how much he doesn't get why he's so great to people, they're probably hoping for a call back that he won't give them. So he stays as far away as possible and is mostly being honest when he says he wants to focus on his career right now. Because that's every seventeen-year-old kids' priority... But Joe doesn't say that when he wants to, because he's really the happiest when Nick doesn't date. It's really selfish, but it's true, and Joe's an honest person. He's got a rep for it, and it sucks being truthful, sometimes, but it's who he is, and Nick doesn't seem to mind.   
  
"So. What then?" Joe asks, persistent as he slides across the seat, back into Nicks' space, making his little brother shake his head and bite his lip so he doesn't smile as he rolls his eyes.   
  
"Nothing... It was stupid," Nick tells him again, sincere with a blush rising in his cheeks. Looking back on it, he doesn't know what he had been thinking; he's pretty sure she doesn't think he's some horrible person, or that he's in love with Joe, or that those two notions coincide in any manner for her. "I was just being paranoid, that's all." Finally Joe backs off at that, pulls at Nicks' neck with his elbow, and rubs a few knuckles gently across the top of his head for a moment. Nick feels like breathing in and then just settling his head on his lap, but it'd be weird, Joe wouldn't get it, mostly because it's just the type of thing _Joe_  would do, and the exact opposite of something Nick would ever even consider doing.   
  
When his older brother lets him go, Nick sits up, huffs a breath out and brushes his curls back into place even though they flopped right back the second Joe stopped touching him anyway. "Thanks Joe. I really needed that," he says in obvious sarcasm. He tries not to let the beat of his heart ring everything but Joe out of his head when Joe puts his arm back around Nicks' waist and takes the liberty of settling the other one across his front to meet at his side. He laughs, trying to hide his nerves and tell Joe (without the words he can't form) that he's being stupid for putting his chin on his shoulder and looking up at Nick like that, like some infatuated girl.   
  
He wishes he wouldn't give almost anything for Joe to mean it when he does things like this, but he does, and the red blotches on his cheeks, and the laughter escaping him when he really doesn't find it funny says as much. It's tiring, hard to deal with, the constant tease of something he wants but knows he can't have, exhausting more like, but he never wants Joe to stop. Even if he ends up alone some day because Joe used up all his love with the fake hearts in his eyes, Nick'll take it.   
  
He feels like he was born to take it. Sometimes, anyway.   
  
Just like he feels Joe was born to drive him insane, frustrated and sometimes wanting to punch Joe in the arm so it hurts because he took Rosanne out of her case again and didn't put her back in, and somehow she's got a scratch on her that he definitely didn't approve of. That's just one instance of many, when Joe feels enough like his stupid brother that Nick would even consider laying a finger on him, but it's one that never affects him enough to matter. He's never hurt Joe before, not when he's been weaker, not when he's been stronger, and he knows he never will.   
  
That's the physical part of it all though, and Nick slips sometimes, other wise. Sometimes when Joe does something nice for him, and he's in a bad mood, he doesn't appreciate Joe like he should. The worst part is he recognizes it as he's forming the words he knows will make Joes' eyes drop to the floor in disappointment, like he isn't good enough. Like when they get back to the hotel that night and Joe's traded in their single rooms for a double and moved all of Nicks' things over. Everything except the watch and its case that was in the bathroom on the sink, waiting for him to return, and is gone when Nick calls about it. He's assured the staff will be questioned, but he knows that means a tap to their nose, and nothing more. He's not getting the watch back that's sat on his wrist for years, and instead of letting himself love how much more time this means he'll have with Joe, he asks him why he did it, why he had to mess with his stuff when he's on tour and trying to keep extra stress out so he doesn't have to become the dictator Kevin and Joe used to joke with him about (not knowing it hurt his feelings along the way).   
  
Joe tells him he's being a dick, that he can afford a million watches, and then climbs into bed, clothes and all, like a kid, and pulls the sheets over his head. He actually hides from Nick until his little brother is in his boxers in bed with the lights turned off before he undresses too. All because Nick  _is_  a dick, and doesn't even have the guts to apologize when he hates putting Joe through things like this, just to keep from losing his head over Joe.   
  
It probably hurts the worst when Nick wakes up the next morning and  _Joe_  apologizes, says he should have been thinking more clearly, should have double-checked before he left. It's true, he should have, but even though he really did love the watch, he loves Joe more, and it feels thick and awful, gagging in his mouth when he tells Joe he's right. He can't look Joe in the eyes after he says it and heads into the bathroom to take a shower. He reaches for his watch when he's got his hair in place, and only gets mad at himself. Joe has everything packed up for them both when he comes out and Nick says a sincere thank you, a guilty one, sure, and pats Joe on the back. Still lets Joe think he was the one who did something wrong when Nick forgave him for losing his watch on  _accident_  the moment he realized it was long gone and Joe was still there. Because it didn't really need forgiving, but Nick made Joe think it did. Nick's a merciful saint. It's how he survives the fact he knows that once Joe finds a girl and gets married, he's set to spend the rest of his life alone...   
  
When Nick gets out to the car and Joe hands him his suitcase, he tells him he can't come to the next show. Nick asks where he's going, and when Joe says, "L.A." it sounds like a prison sentence, so he nods dumbly and watches Joe get into the car behind his and they drive off, taking different routes to the airport because they're leaving from different terminals.   
  
The next time he sees Diane, she's the normal girl who left them the night before, and she smiles at him until he asks her to tell God he's sorry. It looks for a moment like she might frown, but then she smiles way too brightly for any normal person and nods her head, doesn't ask why he doesn't do it himself like he expects her to. She waits until they have prayer circle before the show that night, he guesses, because she offers to say the prayer, and she's watching him again, and he gives her what she's asking for.   
  
Nick's only slightly humiliated when she asks, out loud in front of her band and his dad, for God to forgive Nick, because he knew it was coming the second she asked. He asked her to. She was just... doing him a favor. He shakes his head and tries to walk passed his father after that, and winces a little when a fast grip comes upon his shoulder. His dad already looks disappointed, and he doesn't even know what Nick has done. "It was a misunderstanding. I'll fix it," Nick says, and he will, by never asking her for anything like that again. It's not what his dad is thinking it is by the way his eyes are focused in on Nick, but he pats Nicks' shoulder and lets his son walk away with some dignity.   
  
The same kind of dignity he saves and suffers for when he hurts Joe. A false one that means less than nothing most of the time, but that he holds on to when he feels like the earth would shake apart if he held to the person he wanted to instead.   
  
Honestly he's sort of surprised that he never feels a shred of anger toward Diane and her betraying antics. In the back of his head he knows she's trying to tell him something, teach him a lesson, but mostly he doesn't have the energy to fight with her on this because on the more conscious end of things, he knows she's playing a game he doesn't understand. He can't win a game when he doesn't know the rules.   
  
Even though Joe's hurt, he calls Nick before the show that night. "I love you," he says the second Nick answers which is the second he see it's Joe on the other line. "And I hope you have a good show." Nick can tell he means it, even though his words are a little stiff, but it's upsetting when Joe says he wishes he could be there in a foreign tone. Joe's not being honest, not being himself. For a moment Nick wonders if Joe knows he hurts him on purpose and if he does, if he even knows it's to earn himself a little time or if he thinks Nick actually hates him.   
  
This time, Nick lets his heart out-smart his brain and tells himself it's been a reasonable amount of time. "I'm sorry," he says, meaning it so much more than he should if he didn't have the extra guilt of one who hurt someone innocent for selfish reasons. He thinks Joe nods on the other end, mostly because he knows Joe and that just seems like something he'd do. "I wish you were here too," he says, and his voice falters over the words because it's a lie too, since Joes' was a lie. He can't mean what he's saying for the simple fact that Joe didn't.   
  
"Um, I better go." Joe hangs up the phone before Nick can say anything else, which is probably good, even if it feels wrong, because Nick can't think of anything he could say to make it better without bringing everything to a ruin. He could have said he loves Joe too, would have, but he gets afraid sometimes, that Joe will hear what he's really saying. That he  _loves_  him, instead of what he's meant to be saying.   
  
-   
  
_No wealth, no ruin, no silver, no gold. Nothing satisfies me but your soul._


End file.
